Thursday, 6 May 2010

Here we go. Don't fuck it up.

I'm off to vote this afternoon, after I pick up the kids from school. I can't wait for the questions from the boys. 'That one is David Cameron's puppet, isn't it, Daddy? Will anyone vote for him? Please tell me that pudding won't win, Daddy? Please?'

Ok. So, I wave my right to secret ballot. I think the secret ballot should be allowed anyway. You should have to justify who you vote for, and, if you're reason isn't good enough, you're vote shouldn't count. 'I want to vote for Cameron for change'. Nope. Fuck off. 'I want to vote BNP because we need to do something about the immigrants.' Nope. Fuck off and go learn something. 'I want to vote Labour because I think Gordon Brown would look good in a dress, and I really want to see that.'

Ok. I'm intrigued.

So: I'm probably going to vote for Nick Clegg. And I say that not misunderstanding how British democracy works. I know you don't actually vote for the party leader -- a truth the debates have somewhat clouded; more on that some other day. No. The Cleggster is really running in my constituency, Sheffield Hallam. And I know I shouldn't, really. I am not a massive Lib-Demmer. According to, I should vote Greens (though, strangely, Lib Dems came a close second -- I assume that's because there is no Nutty-Old-Lefty Party candidate in my area). So apologies to Steve Barnar. Maybe next time.

And I mean that. Because I am voting for the Cleggmeister not out of love, but tactically, in the expectation that this is the last time I ever need to vote tactically again. I am voting for the Cleggeramma to give him a mandate to reform the electoral system. This is the only clear mandate that can possibly come from today's vote. No party is going to obtain a majority to implement their agenda, not that they bothered to share their agenda with us anyway. No party will have a clear mandate to make the cuts they want. The only clear demand from the electorate, it seems, will be for a new political system, and for co-operation. (Perhaps, if 'Lib-Lab Coalition' was on the ticket, that might win, but it's not, so we make do.)

And if you are still in doubt as to who to vote for, here's a quick guide. A bit Lib-Dem Happy, but funny anyway. I've got a feeling we'll need a laugh tonight.

Ok. So go and vote. And don't fuck it up.

Seriously. Do not fuck this up.

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