Monday, 19 April 2010

Oh dear oh dear!

What do we have here? Don't the Tories suddenly sound most very nasty, don't they? Like sleep-deprived three-year olds told that they can't have more Easter chocolate, not until they've finished their dinner, they're throwing a right proper strop.

Why is this, now, I wonder? Oh yeah. Because the Lib Dems are spoiling their election. I've heard Tory after Tory on the airwaves in the last couple of days and all of them, Retired Grandee or Cabinet-to-Be Bighitters, are to a man apoplectic that anyone should vote for the Lib Dems and that Nick Clegg. It is, to quote Vizzini, inconceivable! It is simply beyond the pale, old chap, that this should happen. He won't be PM, you know, they insist.

Well, see, that's not really up to them, though, is it? If the Tories have so spectacularly failed to capitalise on a very unpopular Labour leader, a weary government, economic meltdown, disastrous wars etc. etc., then they have no Divine Right to take up the mantle. But it's our turn! they insist. Listen to them, the petulant little asses. It is no wonder they alone of the major parties -- and in that we can even include the Greens, UKIP and the Scottish and Welsh regional parties -- oppose the electoral reform so desperately needed. What they are doing now is nothing less than an assault on democracy and the right of the British people to have a genuine choice.

Vote for Change! they declare.

NO! Not THAT change! they correct us now. We mean the same change as before!

Cameron and his minions insist that they have been running a 'positive' campaign, which is the biggest load of horseshit see on these Islands since the stables at Henry VIII's jousts, and if Today and Newsnight presenters don't start calling them on it I'm going to demand a refund on my licence fee. Cameron runs around, hugging hoodies and offering compassionate conservatism like a smiling rapist, but his entire campaign is built on 'Not Gordon'. See the posters up and down the country with Brown's smiling face and a list of his crimes -- which include high unemployment, a ruined economy and a greater inequality between rich and poor, all of which would have been much worse under the Tories. And every Tory when asked why people shouldn't vote for Clegg answers with 'Vote Clegg and get Brown', a mantra that by now must be distracting the monks in the Tibetan mountains so often has it echoed around.

I'm not endorsing the Lib Dems. I don't think Nick Clegg is the Second Coming. (He is my MP, though, did I mention?) And to keep the Tories out, I might vote tactfully for him, partly so -- with any luck -- I won't have to vote tactically any more. (It's worth pointing out, too, which the Tories aren't, that Clegg also went to a posh school. But I guess it's because Clegg wears it much more lightly. Like you don't want to punch him the same way you want to punch Cameron, Osborne, Johnson and those the Bully Boys.)

(Incidentally, above I corrected one of those Freudian type-os. I called what we have a 'demonocracy'. In the unconscious movement of my fingers, there lie the Truth.)

And now I'm loving the idea of the Tories as Vizzini. Maybe this is a new theme? the arrogance, the pseudo-intellectualism certainly suits the Tories. Nick Clegg is certainly Inigo Montoya, dreaming, obsessed with the single goal (is his case PR), looking into the distance and seducing us with 'Hello. My name is Nick Clegg. You killed my dreams of a single European currency and federal state. Prepare to die.' Try it! It works. So this means that Gordon is Fezzik. He should try this in the next debate:

Clegg: You took us to war in Iraq!

Brown: But that doesn't mean I deserve the sack!

Cameron: You destroyed the economy!

Brown: You've had a lobotomy!

Clegg and Cameron: You've nationalised a bank!

Brown: Why don't you both go and have a stimulus package relieving inflationary pressure.
See what I did there? Did you see? Did you? (You would be amazed at how little time that took me.)

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