Thursday, 17 December 2009

Death by Zombie, or Death by Vampire?

Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

Well... no, Mr. Frost. Bullshit. Because when the world does end -- and it will end. Horribly. -- it will not be anything so benign as fire or ice. This is I have realised. The fate of our world will, quite simply, be a matter of either death by zombie or death by vampire.

Everything that happens in our world, it seems clear to me now, is inching us closer and closer to one of these inevitable conclusions. It's only a question of who will get there first, who will inflict the final blow. Will it be death by zombie? gruesome, rotting flesh of the undead inevitable masses clawing through our skulls to feast upon what little nutrition might yet be housed in our increasingly spongy brains? Or will it be death by vampire? the slow, seductive sucking of our lifeforce by evil overlords who, having taken from us whatever they need to survive and thrive, will toss our empty bodies away like yesterday's copy of The Daily Telegraph.

Both are kinda sexy, I suppose. In their own way.

Why have I come to this conclusion -- or rather, you might ask, why I have only just come to this conclusion? Look around you! It is hopeless. Whenever the will of blank-eyed, thoughtless masses wins, whenever the mind-eating banality of the crowds takes another bite of our cultural body, it is a victory for the zombies. In this way, the triumph of the Twilight saga is a triumph for not the vampire, no, but for the zombies that would throw themselves at Robert Pattinson's feet. And if, for example, Lord Monckton and the rest of the climate change deniers, fuelled by the ancient evil of corporate money, manage to derail the Copenhagen talks, what is that if not a victory for the vampires, who will leave not only our species but the whole planet in ruin just to stave-off their insatiable thirst?

So I'm now, finally, going to see everything in this world of ours in its proper context, as either a step closer towards death by vampire or death by zombie. Which does raise one small conundrum, however:

If the X Factor single gets to Christmas #1, is that a case of death by zombie or vampire? have the zombies won the day, with their text-voting and brainless iTunes addictions? or are they merely the Renfield-like servants of the true Master, the Prince of Saturday Night Darkness himself, Count Cowell?

What's it going to be? Not that it matters, I suppose. But I'd like to know what's killing me softly this week.

Of course, there is an increasingly likelihood that X Factor won't win at all, which will be some small comfort to all us chainsaw-weilding, garlic-wearing amateur Van Helsings out there. (So, if you haven't already, get out there and buy 'Killing in the Name'.) It's only delaying the inevitable, but hooray for small victories.

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