Wednesday, 15 October 2008

Quick Question


Ok. Who voted for this guy? Show of hands, please.

Muppets.

Seriously. I would really like one of the hand-up-their-ass animated socks who bestowed their sacred privilege to vote on this clown to write in and tell me what, in the name of something I can't fathom, made them do it. I don't care what else you say; insult my mother, threaten my pets, tell me where to stick it, what to eat. Whatever. Just tell me why.

My fault, really, for being so smug a couple of weeks ago. I watched the (English language) debate, and was actually quite pleased. Seriously, hold your chuckles. I heard a lot of shit, yeah, and a lot of lying and posturing (why did every leader start their discussion of arts funding with a catalogue of which instruments are played by various distant relatives?!? 'I can't read music, but my wife plays harpsichord... [no pun intended, unless someone can come up with a good one]'), but I realised that the level of debate in Canada isn't half bad. Well, compared with the UK consensus politics, where three parties are fighting over the same minuscule plot of land -- you know the one, that bit with an expectant hole and marked by a granite rock engraved with the word 'Thatcher'. And when compared of course with the Mickey-Minnie routine happening south of the border -- which to be fair is more interesting this year than it has been in the past.

What I saw in that debate were four leaders with some decent ideas, representing the centre-left (more centre but we're getting there) and one monkey who kept bashing his head against the button that said 'No comment', which apparently to 37.63% of Canadians sounds like Henry V. And so that 37.63% of you voted for the monkey. Muppets.

Maybe I need some perspective. It was only 37.63%. Scary, but could be worse. If the centre-left got itself organised, they would be a small, small opposition party. So there's hope, BUT only if...

If we are going to have real, serious debate in Canada, we need to get rid of this 'vote for a King' first-past-the-post system and organise a proper system of proportional representation. It really saddened me that the NDP seems to have abandoned that policy this time around (is Jack getting as delusional as the rest? Say it ain't so, Jack!), leaving Green leader Elizabeth May to make the argument on her own (and gaining some moral high ground, if not some seats, in the process).

PR will make our government representative, and make government work. Let's get on it and make it all matter for a change. (It might even do something to help that record low turnout pundits will wring their hearts about for a few days.)

But do I blame Harper? the smug, vacuous asshole blowing a foul wind across the Prairies? No. Anyone (just about) can run for public office in Canada. So, a big Medieval Torture Tour of Canada for another two or three years. The fruits of Canadian land and labour to be thrown at all of those who voted Conservative yesterday, a sentence to last until your next opportunity to get it right, i.e. when Harper reckons he might get another majority. (If you want to avoid that, by the way, insist that Canadian federal elections be run on a system of proportional represention? Please?)

What do we throw at these straw-brained democrats? In the interest of regional diversity, and to have fun with stereotypes, let's make the punishment provincially-specific. Logs up the asses of right-wing British Columbians. Wheat blighted by plague for Saskatchewan (50%+ of you voted Conservative! you've come a long way from the CCF, and it's not good!) Stinking cow-flesh at Albertans -- who are for me only saved from being chucked out of the federation by the Good Folks of Edmonton-Strathcona. Southern Ontario breaks my heart, and it's boring old fruit for you, I'm afraid. I wish we could do something special for the 905, like making you go away. Maybe the best thing would be for Toronto, finally, to secede, to leave you to stew in your own vacuity. (Though more NDP would have been nice, Toronto. Look down the road. Hamilton can help, yes.) Rotting cod for the Newfoundlanders... oh wait. They didn't elect a single Conservative to Parliament. That should put an end to 'Newfie jokes'... let's just hope they don't realise how stupid the rest of us are.

'Have you heard the one about the 37.63% of Mainlanders? They voted for Harper! Those idiots!'

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